Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Why I Hate American Idol

I'm back after a brief hiatus. This week, I'll announce the winners of my first-ever treasure hunt. For now, a brief rant.

Why I Hate American Idol

The reason I hate this abysmal show is not the lack of talent of the singers; it’s not the cheesiness of the performances; it’s not even the inanity of the judges. Or rather it’s those reasons, but not only those reasons.

First and foremost, however, is that it violates one of my few musical beliefs (the only other I can think of at the moment is that vibraphones are usually, like milk was to Ron Burgundy, a bad choice).

But my number one belief, the only belief that really matters since I suspect most people are with me on the vibraphone thing, is that you should never, ever cover a song unless you add something special to it, unless you truly make it your own.

And that doesn’t mean turning a rock or pop song into a fucking country ballad, Idols, simply because it’s a different genre. It means you need talent, style, an honest-to-God unique voice (And preferably, an honest-to-God goddamn band.) Think Jimi Henrix covering All Along the Watchtower. Brilliant, moving, goosebump-inducing cause he rocked the fuck out of Dylan’s slow folk jam. Same goes for Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujiah (Has anyone actually heard Leonard Cohen sing?) Johnny Cash’s Hurt (in my opinion, not as good as NIN’s, but Cash is a God), or Sublime’s Trenchtown Rock (RIP Bradley, RIP Bob).

So when I was flipping by just in time to hear some hack cover True Colors (I refuse to even learn his name, that’s how strongly I feel about this) in a version so utterly devoid of the beauty, the messiness, the feeling, the crackling imperfection that Cyndi Lauper brought to it (incidentally, she did not write the song—Billy Steinberg did—but Lauper rented that shit to OWN), it made me realize how much our nation has lost its fucking mind. Or at least its fucking taste. Which we had at some point, I know we did. Pop music has not always been synonymous with airbrushed former Mouseketeers and voices that only a vocoder could love… and it doesn’t have to be.

I know, I know. It's not really pop music, what they're doing: it's musical theatre without Disney sponsorship. Which brings me to one more belief: musical theatre singing sucks. It's nasally and cheesy and loud and generic and obnoxious. It's all well and good if you've got family in from out of town who want to see Times Square but let's not confuse it with actual music.

And look, I also know I’m five years too late or whatever on this but it bears mentioning because the novelty has worn off and then some and people still seem to like this shit, so…

Seriously, people. Turn off your fucking televisions, turn your backs on these overzealous karaoke singers and demand something BETTER. Start by supporting real musicians by buying the music they spent their lives perfecting. I promise you won’t be sorry.

Unless the band you choose to support has a vibraphonist.

3 comments:

  1. Being that American Idol (AI) is the only Western television that I can watch in real time from Singapore, I've started watching AI consistently for the first time in its eight seasons...and after reading your post, I must defend it.

    First, I completely agree that the format of the show makes for a too-often karaoke sound, and on a bad night, AI can make for some awful television.

    However, despite that, we mustn't turn our backs on the show. At its core, it allows the public to launch a career/dream for people/kids who never would have made it otherwise. Screw the focus groups or the corporate boardrooms; the people decide and they've proven many times over, that they get it right. The alumni list of former top 5 AI contestants speaks (or sings) for itself.

    AI has surrounded its basic premise with kitsch that deserves to make one cynical - the Ford commercials, the lip-synched sing-a-longs, the producers manipulating certain contestants' fate, the celebrity factor of the judges. Even Simon went so far this season to say to a contestant..."That's fine that you want to be artistic. Just not on this show." Ouch. I think he may be tired after eight seasons.

    But he shouldn't be. Idol hopefuls like Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta are inspired. They have raw talent and it's clear they work their asses off. Check out Diablo Cody's piece for Entertainment Weekly - http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20007164_20171835_20271567,00.html

    While I agree many times over that our nation has lost its mind, I don't think AI is a signal. I'd rather the public just demand that the show get better. Thus far, the embrace of musical theater queen Adam Lambert by mothers and teenage girls prove that the American public will always surprise you.

    Talk to you later,
    Brian

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  2. Reality TV has offended me since Real World aimed a camera at its first batch of wannabees, so Heaven knows I come to AI with a thoroughly closed mind.

    Since its premiere I've been offended by the very concept of it and its sheen of Disney/Cruise Ship plasticity.

    Three good pop hits by Kelly Clarkson aside, AI has done nothing good for pop culture and plenty of harm. The plethora of self-styled bitchy judges, regurgitated forgotten D-list celebs (bringing the Osmonds back into the limelight alone would earn one a place in Hell, I would think), and a culture of Snark completely lacking in self-awareness (hey, Idol fans laughing at some random tuneless geek--you pay money to see Clay Aiken! You just invalidated your own premise!)...sigh.

    Beyond your appeal on behalf of real musicians, Sarah, don't forget about actual TV. The next Joss Whedon, Rob Thomas, or JJ Abrams (hell, even the current ones) can't get their thought-provoking, entertaining shows produced because it's cheaper to round up the desperate and cheesy, stick a mic in their sweaty hands and roll tape.

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  3. I agree with 98% of you rant. American Idol is an embarrassment - most television is. The "music" I hear on the radio doesn’t impress me and I think society in general is getting stupider by the day.

    …but I love the vibraphone.

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